I don't even know how long it's been since I last posted... I just remember leaving off at "C" of my 'blog by alphabets', which I left a half draft in saved, but unpublished. I suppose I got bored with blogging, thinking it was pretty senseless to be typing stuff, putting so much work into it, when it seemed nobody would even see it... but I guess that's what putting your heart and soul into something really means, in which I gave up on. Let's be honest, blogging really isn't "my thing" per say, I just feel it's something I can put out there, how I feel and junk, even if nobody sees it... it's better than my facebook seeing all the things I feel and think, than they'll think I'm just a whine ass. And I guess I've come back to you invisible readers, because I just feel like you, all of you masked by the great internet have been my support... if that makes sense...
But in the meantime. A lot has happened since I've last posted.. I'm in a different head space, before I was hung up on my ex, and having now realized, that he didn't really love me as I thought... Well, I suppose any kind of love is real love, sometimes the way you need it and how you want it, and sometimes not. But even so, it's the only way that person knows how to love at the moment. It was honestly a lot of me to expect a sixteen year old boy to be in love, I mean really? Seriously. I was all like "oh! Let's get married" (After we'd done stuff like college and junk of course) I understand where he, and everybody else was coming from when they said "What the fruit, you have the rest of your life!". In that head space, I just wanted to be loved, I wanted security in the fact that I knew somebody really did love me. Without really realizing that I already was loved.... I know, but not in the forefront of my mind I suppose... the fact is, before you can love somebody, you have to love yourself first, which I'm working on, with time.....
Also, further from the fact of love; in my absence from school this past year, out in The Real World, I've finally come to believe what they all say "Friends in high school, often stay in high school" Damn straight! The high school drama carries onto the back scenes of the fast food restaurants with the "He said, She said, but that's not really what happened, but I suppose you'll never find out because you're not In".... I don't understand how people do it for 20 plus years, as I've written in my best friends letter, "fast food isn't a career, it's something to do while you are bettering yourself in life" But I guess you always need those life dropouts to be the store manager, which I'm not talking down to my boss, he's a good guy, but you can just look around, past the fake smiles and see they all wanted something more than tossing chicken into a bucket. I'm getting out of there. That will not be my life. I for one, am tired of smiling and nodding to customers who have money enough to buy 4.00$ side items. And with the end of that, I must go to work now.... Tootles now my invisible support. :)
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